Working on a Scheme?

So Bruce Springsteen thinks Ticketmaster & Live Nation are engaging in questionable business practices. Nothing to argue with there...they are. In my humble opinion, so are brokers like StubHub who buy up the best tickets for concerts & sporting events and then immediately try to resell them at three or four times their face value...

However, as a recent article in Billboard Magazine points out, there may be some indirect hypocrisy being put forth by Springsteen and his reps. In the piece written by Ray Waddell & quoting sources in The Newark Star Ledger, Bruce’s uber-controlling manager Jon Landau claims that there’s nothing wrong with holding 90% (yes, 90%) of the best seats at a Springsteen concert for friends & industry pimps. In the same breath, he then has the audacity to rail against Ticketmaster for “bait-and-switch” maneuvers. Both parties are deeply at fault here, but Ticketmaster has never claimed to be anything other than a business purely concerned with maxing out profit. On the other hand, Springsteen has always claimed to be our rock & roll savior, a New Jersey siren who will help lead us to the promised land...

What does it all boil down to? Ticketmaster is the devil we know. Bruce Springsteen is the dusty devil we don’t, the wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be ‘one of us’ but is so far removed from the dealings of everyday life that he has become, like Bono & Eddie Vedder, a talented musician who purports to be a commoner but is actually a pampered prince. Ironically, The Boss’ moral decline can be traced directly back to the mammoth success of his “working man” megahit, “Born in the U.S.A.”; after selling tens of millions of records while singing about the loss of the American Dream, Springsteen became that which he (supposedly) abhorred…a narrow-minded, money-grubbing charlatan who talks out of both sides of his soul-patch-adorned mouth...

(And don’t even get me started on that piece of crap Bruce put out earlier this year, his love letter to Barack Obama called “Working on a Dream”. If you plunked down $10 for a copy, then surprise, surprise…you just flushed your money down the toilet for an album that is embarrassing and insultingly sophomoric both musically and lyrically)

Meet the new Boss. Much, much worse than the old Boss.

(For the full picture concerning the Springsteen camp’s battle with Ticketmaster, check out Ray Waddell’s article at http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/news/springsteen-ticketmaster-war-escalates-1003986457.story#)

“International” Man of Mystery?

I will wholeheartedly admit that Daniel Craig rocks as James Bond. However, there’s a part of me that will always wonder what Clive Owen would have been like as 007. When the job opened up after Pierce Brosnan bowed out, Owen’s name immediately popped up as the logical replacement. Like Craig, Owen would have brought gravitas to the role while still being able to handle the action sequences like a pro...

For proof, check out “The International”, a 2009 box office dud that features Owen as an Interpol lackey obsessed with building a case against a corrupt bank, on DVD. The film itself is mediocre: there’s no clean resolution & most of the shadowy hijinks seem a bit over the top (SOMEBODY other than our hero would notice something was amiss with this many high profile people biting the big one). The two positives in “The International” (other than getting to stare at the lovely Naomi Watts once in a while) are Owen, who is always interesting even in clunkers like “Closer”, and a phenomenal shootout sequence at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City (outside of a war flick, I don’t recall ever watching a scene with THIS much fake ammo being burned up!)...

In the end, I’ll be more generous than I should be and give “The International” 2 Eddies out of a possible four. In a weak market (for movies, I mean), this thriller is a safe outlay of two hours of your life. Just don’t expect a spectacular return on investment...

The Horror, The Horror...

I was smart enough about six months ago to swear off any and all films either directly or indirectly linked to Asian horror movies. After subjecting myself to the idiocy of Americanized versions of “The Grudge”, “The Ring 2”, and “Dark Water” & suffering through “The Host”, I finally came to my senses - I’ll never get those countless hours I wasted back, but at least I won’t use up my precious PS2 Madden time on that Far East drivel anymore...

A small, temporary victory for my brain cells, it would seem. Now I have to convince myself to keep my distance from American remakes of American horror movies from the 70s and 80s. If I can find an ounce of will power to stay away from flicks featuring cursed summer camps and deformed psychopaths, maybe my frontal lobe will survive for a few more years...

You see, I just subjected myself to the ‘reboot’ of “Friday the 13th” on DVD last night. As you kids know (because I would never insult your intelligence like Hollywood does), this re-launch of the Jason Voorhees franchise comes after similar ‘re-imaginings’ of “Halloween”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “The Hills Have Eyes”, “The Last House on the Left”, “My Bloody Valentine”, “Prom Night”…did I leave any out? Probably, but that’s just Agent 5150 trying to keep your cerebral cortex from turning into a fried egg (“This is your brain”; “This is your brain on Ron Zombie”)...

I could turn this latest FV video review into yet another diatribe on how the suits in L.A. can’t come up with an original idea to save not only their own lives but those of their grandmammies and their interior decorators, but let’s focus instead on how hard it is to make a truly scary movie. Not only was it stupid to remake all of the aforementioned horror ‘classics’ from a creative standpoint, but the dimwit factor grows exponentially when you consider that the source material (for the most part) wasn’t all that great to begin with! Does anyone really think the first “Friday the 13th” was a good movie? Unfortunately, the only thing it did effectively back in 1980 was shine a dingy light into a dark corner of our collective psyche and expose the disturbing fact that we like to see stupid people get hacked and slashed to bits. In turn, this opened the door for the recent wave of disgusting ‘torture porn’ like “Hostel” & “Turistas” where any dense plotting or humor quotient is viciously squeezed out and left to flow away like blood seeping into a grungy floor drain...

So, now you ask: “What movies have scared the normally unflappable Agent 5150?” Ironically, the first two flicks that pop into my mind are a sequel (“Aliens”) and a remake (John Carpenter’s unbelievably tense version of “The Thing”). Beyond that, it takes some vigorous mental calisthenics to dig deep and maybe add in “Jaws”, the “Final Destination” flicks, and the ending of “The Blair Witch Project”. If you want a good mix of splatter and dark humor, I’d say “Re-Animator”, “An American Werewolf in London”, and “The Evil Dead 2”, but I wouldn’t really call them scary or edgy...

All that being said, the new “Friday the 13th” isn’t abysmal. It’s just sad. No depth is added to the Jason Voorhees character; in fact, he has now become indistinguishable from Leatherface (JV also now keeps mementos & trophies like bones, skulls, dolls, and dead camp counselors’ whistles). The shallow part of me would like to point out that there are some fine female...um...embellishments in the 2009 version of “13th”, but a few spectacular chests and a soundtrack that includes the Hives & Night Ranger won’t stop me from tossing this flick into Crystal Lake...1 ½ Eddies out of four.

Please, please keep me away from “H2” later this year...I swear I’ll polish your machete if you help a brother out!!!

Short Story to Movie Epic

Why do writers and directors feel compelled to turn a short story into an epic length film? That is the question I asked myself over and over again as I sat through the 2 hour and 45 minute marathon that is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. Based on a 56 page short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, this tale follows the life of a boy born old and grows younger. I found this premise intriguing so I gave it a shot on DVD. I’m glad I did not sit through it in the theater. It was slow from start to finish and the sound quality was low (I had to turn the TV up to hear it). Following Benjamin’s life was interesting, but too much “time” was wasted on some points in his life, especially when he begins life with his love interest, which you know is going to happen. This film easily could have been done in under 2 hours. Please stop trying to make the next “Gone With the Wind” which really was an epic novel. 2 Eddies out of 4.

Other lengthy notable movies based on short stories:
“Death of a Salesman” (2 hours)
based on Arthur Miller’s 72 page play of the same name.
“Shawshank Redemption” (2 hours 22 minutes)
based on Stephen King’s 102 page story “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption”

Short movies from short stories:
“Stand By Me” (1 hour 28 minutes)
based on Stephen King’s 153 page story “The Body”
“Apt Pupil” (1 hour 42 minutes)
based on Stephen King’s 195 page story of the same name.

Fiction Over Fact – Why Our Best Heroes & Villains Are Figments Of Our Imagination

Critics and movie snobs insist year after year, through glowing reviews and countless award nominations, that films based on true events or real-life characters are consistently better than those that emanate solely from a screenwriter’s mind or a novelist’s creative vision. Take a trip down to your local Blockbuster (or more likely the nearest Redbox machine or your Netflix queue) and spend 4 hours with “Frost/Nixon” and “Valkyrie”. I defy you to tell me that you came away from those historical dramas with any more of an emotional charge or understanding of humanity than if you had just sat through ninety minutes of the latest Jason Statham action fest. Consider it a challenge, homey.

Yes, this is essentially the first “Frankenstein Vice” DVD review posting, but I want to also speak to the fallacy that the heroes and villains of reality (or near-reality, as portrayed by Hollywood) are more deep & colorful than the John McClanes and Luke Skywalkers of the film world. For every moving & effective biopic like “Schindler’s List”, there seem to be fifteen that bore those of us without PhDs in Russian Literature to tears. First, let’s look at “Frost/Nixon”. What insight does the film offer us into the troubled mind of Richard Nixon that we desperately needed to know to make our oh-so-common lives better? That Tricky Dick was a jealous and bitter man? Wow. Didn’t see THAT coming. I am in no way trying to degrade the performances in “Frost/Nixon” (Michael Sheen & Frank Langella are fine as the titular adversaries) but the film itself, despite being helmed by Ron Howard, is two hours of television history that now feels curdled and insignificant...2 Eddies out of a possible four...

As opposed to the stage play atmosphere of “Frost/Nixon”, “Valkyrie” wants to be a rip-roaring real-life adventure based on a failed attempt to assassinate Adolph Hitler. Instead, we get what I like to call the “undercut climax”, a situation in a film where we already know part or all of the pending outcome. For example, we know the hero isn’t going to die despite the fact that he or she is on the verge of certain death. Much of the tension is drained away instantly because we already know what comes next. Historical epics and biographical films are almost always hamstrung by this “undercut climax” because the result is already recorded in history books. That being said, “Valkyrie” is a tad bit better than “Frost/Nixon” in that our sympathies resonate stronger for a group of men trying to stop arguably the cruelest dictator in history than for a talk show host trying to achieve greater heights of fame & fortune by eliciting a shallow confession from a disgraced U.S. President. Still, we know Hitler survived a while longer (sorry, no spoiler alert needed for something someone who made it past the seventh grade should already know), so “Valkyrie” is a fairly pointless exercise in moviemaking...2 Eddies...

In summary, give me fictional creations like Batman or Forrest Gump any day of the week over real-life protagonists such as Harvey Milk and Che Guevara. I get the feeling they’d be much more fun to hang out at a bar with...

The “Frankenstein Vice” Manifesto

Come on in and sit a spell, people. Don’t be shy. We won’t bite…most of the time. Welcome to “Frankenstein Vice”, a blog inspired by the magic that emanates from a great song, the buzz you feel walking out of the theater after a fantastic movie, and the righteous indignation that comes across you after your favorite television show ends or your duly elected official screws you over…

Everyone can stop by, peruse our content, and comment (intelligently, we hope) on our rants and diatribes. However, we hope you will first read through the following thirty “Frankenstein Vice” policy guidelines and either agree to disagree & move on to a subpar pop culture site like “Entertainment Weekly” or hang out, grab a cold one, and have a few laughs (and a serious conversation or two) with us…

1) We don’t pander to the cults of “Lost”, “Twilight”, or “American Idol”. We have lives…and better taste than you, obviously.
2) We’re not critics for “Rolling Stone”, so we can unequivocally state that Beck, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Eminem, and Bruce Springsteen’s “Working on a Dream” (song or album, take your pick) SUCK!!!
3) We have our fingers crossed that Barack Obama can turn the country around, but we also think that the talking heads in our left-leaning media have shoved the man down our throats to the point where we’re supposed to believe he can turn water into wine. Breaking news…he can’t!!!
4) NBC’s cancellation of “My Name is Earl” was an American tragedy; NBC’s renewal of “Chuck” based on a Subway promotion was an American farce.
5) Break away from the mainstream drivel of James Patterson and pick up a Chuck Palahniuk book NOW!!! Sometimes brilliant, sometimes stomach-turning, always interesting.
6) Snapple is not made from ‘the greatest stuff on Earth’…Van Halen, Collective Soul, Kevin Smith, and the “Die Hard” flicks are.
7) We love “Fringe” but hate it as a promo for “Star Trek”…
8) Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, and George Clooney are great actors. They just need to SHUT UP AND ACT!!!
9) Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen are great musicians. See #8 but replace ACT with SING!!! (We would include the Dixie Chicks but we don’t want to hear them sing, either).
10) If you don’t think the media has “Obama Fever”, then please explain to us how Michelle Obama was named to Maxim’s Hot 100! Anyone? Anyone?
11) Reality TV bites the big one. If you took away the first season of “The Osbournes”, there would be no reason for it to exist. None. Case closed.
12) “Schindler’s List”, “Crash”, and “Michael Clayton” are all superb films. However, Frankenstein Vice would rather be stuck on a desert island with “Caddyshack”, “Mission: Impossible”, and “Mallrats”…
13) Rush Limbaugh means well…we think.
14) Vampires haven’t been cool since Frank Langella. Get over it.
15) Underrated: “Psych”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Heaven’s Prisoners”, Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers. Overrated: “Shakespeare in Love”, “The Office”, The Hold Steady, The Beatles (sorry, Pat).
16) Hollywood is creatively bankrupt. Many pundits before FV have written about the slew of remakes, relaunches, and reboots in the works, but has anyone noticed the idiocy of using Who songs in trailers for “Land of the Lost” (“Won’t Get Fooled Again”) and “Year One” (“Magic Bus”)???
17) Maybe the American music scene could bounce back if the record labels worried more about promoting great songs, albums, & artists and worried less about the top three finalists every year on “American Idol”…
18) Speaking of music…rap, hip-hop, and country aren’t welcome here. Bon Jovi, Darius Rucker…we forgive you. Barely. Chris Cornell? Not a chance, dumbass.
19) Last word on music (we swear, maybe)…overhyped bands like Arcade Fire & the Ting Tings aren’t helping matters any.
20) Some FV math for you…Jay Leno + 5 nights a week in primetime = 0 laughs + television apocalypse.
21) Why does anyone care about Angelina Jolie? She scowls nonstop and has a saggy chest (see “Taking Lives” if you don’t believe us)…
22) “Entertainment Weekly” wants you to be gay. “Rolling Stone” wants you to be a liberal. Frankenstein Vice just wants you to be happy without forcing your viewpoints on everyone else.
23) Speaking of RS, there are 4,726 things wrong with the picture to the left. Can you find them all?
24) The Monkees and AC/DC get props ‘cause our kids like ‘em…
25) David Fincher could direct a commercial for laundry detergent and it would be cool.
26) If you combined Disturbed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Nine Inch Nails, and Linkin Park, you know what you would get? Crap.
27) Ticketmaster can’t be run by Satan because he’s too busy overseeing Live Nation.
28) “The Wire” was phenomenal, but “Miami Vice” was the best cop show ever…
29) “Seinfeld” was the best television show ever, but 1964 through 1979 was the true Golden Age of TV, people…
30) Finally, hair metal rules. If you don’t know how to spell Ratt, Def Leppard, and Enuff Z’nuff, go away.