The “Frankenstein Vice” Manifesto

Come on in and sit a spell, people. Don’t be shy. We won’t bite…most of the time. Welcome to “Frankenstein Vice”, a blog inspired by the magic that emanates from a great song, the buzz you feel walking out of the theater after a fantastic movie, and the righteous indignation that comes across you after your favorite television show ends or your duly elected official screws you over…

Everyone can stop by, peruse our content, and comment (intelligently, we hope) on our rants and diatribes. However, we hope you will first read through the following thirty “Frankenstein Vice” policy guidelines and either agree to disagree & move on to a subpar pop culture site like “Entertainment Weekly” or hang out, grab a cold one, and have a few laughs (and a serious conversation or two) with us…

1) We don’t pander to the cults of “Lost”, “Twilight”, or “American Idol”. We have lives…and better taste than you, obviously.
2) We’re not critics for “Rolling Stone”, so we can unequivocally state that Beck, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Eminem, and Bruce Springsteen’s “Working on a Dream” (song or album, take your pick) SUCK!!!
3) We have our fingers crossed that Barack Obama can turn the country around, but we also think that the talking heads in our left-leaning media have shoved the man down our throats to the point where we’re supposed to believe he can turn water into wine. Breaking news…he can’t!!!
4) NBC’s cancellation of “My Name is Earl” was an American tragedy; NBC’s renewal of “Chuck” based on a Subway promotion was an American farce.
5) Break away from the mainstream drivel of James Patterson and pick up a Chuck Palahniuk book NOW!!! Sometimes brilliant, sometimes stomach-turning, always interesting.
6) Snapple is not made from ‘the greatest stuff on Earth’…Van Halen, Collective Soul, Kevin Smith, and the “Die Hard” flicks are.
7) We love “Fringe” but hate it as a promo for “Star Trek”…
8) Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, and George Clooney are great actors. They just need to SHUT UP AND ACT!!!
9) Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen are great musicians. See #8 but replace ACT with SING!!! (We would include the Dixie Chicks but we don’t want to hear them sing, either).
10) If you don’t think the media has “Obama Fever”, then please explain to us how Michelle Obama was named to Maxim’s Hot 100! Anyone? Anyone?
11) Reality TV bites the big one. If you took away the first season of “The Osbournes”, there would be no reason for it to exist. None. Case closed.
12) “Schindler’s List”, “Crash”, and “Michael Clayton” are all superb films. However, Frankenstein Vice would rather be stuck on a desert island with “Caddyshack”, “Mission: Impossible”, and “Mallrats”…
13) Rush Limbaugh means well…we think.
14) Vampires haven’t been cool since Frank Langella. Get over it.
15) Underrated: “Psych”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Heaven’s Prisoners”, Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers. Overrated: “Shakespeare in Love”, “The Office”, The Hold Steady, The Beatles (sorry, Pat).
16) Hollywood is creatively bankrupt. Many pundits before FV have written about the slew of remakes, relaunches, and reboots in the works, but has anyone noticed the idiocy of using Who songs in trailers for “Land of the Lost” (“Won’t Get Fooled Again”) and “Year One” (“Magic Bus”)???
17) Maybe the American music scene could bounce back if the record labels worried more about promoting great songs, albums, & artists and worried less about the top three finalists every year on “American Idol”…
18) Speaking of music…rap, hip-hop, and country aren’t welcome here. Bon Jovi, Darius Rucker…we forgive you. Barely. Chris Cornell? Not a chance, dumbass.
19) Last word on music (we swear, maybe)…overhyped bands like Arcade Fire & the Ting Tings aren’t helping matters any.
20) Some FV math for you…Jay Leno + 5 nights a week in primetime = 0 laughs + television apocalypse.
21) Why does anyone care about Angelina Jolie? She scowls nonstop and has a saggy chest (see “Taking Lives” if you don’t believe us)…
22) “Entertainment Weekly” wants you to be gay. “Rolling Stone” wants you to be a liberal. Frankenstein Vice just wants you to be happy without forcing your viewpoints on everyone else.
23) Speaking of RS, there are 4,726 things wrong with the picture to the left. Can you find them all?
24) The Monkees and AC/DC get props ‘cause our kids like ‘em…
25) David Fincher could direct a commercial for laundry detergent and it would be cool.
26) If you combined Disturbed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Nine Inch Nails, and Linkin Park, you know what you would get? Crap.
27) Ticketmaster can’t be run by Satan because he’s too busy overseeing Live Nation.
28) “The Wire” was phenomenal, but “Miami Vice” was the best cop show ever…
29) “Seinfeld” was the best television show ever, but 1964 through 1979 was the true Golden Age of TV, people…
30) Finally, hair metal rules. If you don’t know how to spell Ratt, Def Leppard, and Enuff Z’nuff, go away.