“Adventureland” vs. “State of Play” - Which is Style & Which is Substance?

Agent 5150’s DVD reviews of the week feature a film about corporate & military corruption leaching into the highest levels of our government and a flick about college students working in dead-end summer jobs who like to smoke pot. Guess which one has more to say about life?

That’s right - “Adventureland” is your winner. A John Hughes-style romp with heart and brains to spare, “Adventureland” stars little-known Jesse Eisenberg as a Michael Cera clone (albeit with a bit more wit and good looks than Hollywood’s resident nerd of the moment) who needs to pick up some quick cash in order to move to New York and attend grad school at Columbia University back in 1987 when it was moderately affordable. With a college degree under his belt, he’s actually overqualified for most menial jobs (does that sound familiar in reference to today’s world or what?), so he stumbles into a gig working the midway at Adventureland, a Pittsburgh amusement park that’s run by a likeable but borderline psychotic couple (SNL’s Bill Hader & Kristen Wiig). Love enters the picture (as it always does in a movie like this) when Kristen Stewart appears, and the rest of the film is essentially an endearingly awkward mating dance. All the usual lessons from 80s teen flicks are present…don’t overanalyze the events of your life, don’t pass up the sure thing in love for the pipe dream, etc…but the movie comes off as anything but stale and recycled. 3 wistful Eddies…

On the other hand, “State of Play” is a fairly formulaic paranoid thriller based on the BBC miniseries of the same name. Given it boasts an Oscar-pedigreed cast featuring Russell Crowe, Helen Mirren, and Ben Affleck, one would expect greatness…or at least something new and different. Instead, we get the typical ‘you can’t trust anyone’ spiel. The performances in “State of Play” aren’t really inspired, either; Crowe and Affleck are competent but unremarkable as a reporter and Congressman (respectively) while Mirren is much too abrasive as Crowe’s newspaper editor. Meanwhile, Robin Wright Penn and Rachel McAdams are stuck in two thankless female ‘sidekick’ roles - Wright Penn as the woman who puts a wedge between Crowe & Affleck, McAdams as the novice blogger who plays Gal Friday to Crowe’s Crusoe. I’ll reluctantly give “State of Play” a weak 2 ½ Eddies…

In the end, I guess I would much rather frolic in “Adventureland” than stumble around in “State of Play”…

Playing Catch Up!!!

Sorry for being incommunicado for so long, kids. Inspiration, that fickle muse, took a major siesta for a few weeks behind Agent 5150’s back; however, the mojo has returned so here are some entertainment nuggets that cover the last half of August 2009. The obvious starting point is the big news that broke yesterday…

1) Disney buys Marvel: Well, we all thought Wal-Mart would eventually take over the world, but it looks the Mouse House will have something to say about that before all is said and done. As a former comic book geek, I am deeply saddened by this news. You already need a sizeable loan to buy a handful of comic books each week (they currently average $3.99 an issue!), but Disney will surely figure out a way to extort more money out of the unwashed masses still living in their parents’ basement. Cynical? No, realistic…just look at how the price of admission to Disney’s theme parks has escalated over the last few decades. Outside of any major university, I defy you to find me a business entity with a higher year-to-year percentage increase in prices. Let’s just hope that Disney doesn’t castrate Marvel like they did ESPN…I mean, does Mickey really want to screw around with the guys to my right?

2) New Collective Soul: I’m still not sure if their latest effort is technically another self-titled affair (following the 1995 classic that featured “December” & “The World I Know”) or if it’s called “Rabbit”, but this new album simply rocks. Easily their best CD/MP3 since “Disciplined Breakdown”, “Rabbit” has but one misfire…the sappy, generic “You”; the remaining ten tracks range from blistering arena rock (“Welcome All Again”) to goofball party tunes (“Fuzzy”, “Lighten Up”) to tender personal disclosures (“Hymn For My Father”) to new-classic behemoths (“Dig”, “My Days”). Ed Roland and company are in top form here…like The Cars in the 70s and 80s, Collective Soul are underrated troubadours for the 90s and 00s who are never ‘hit-and-miss’ like their peers (sorry Pearl Jam fans, but “No Code” sucked and “Riot Act” wasn’t much better!). 3 ½ Eddies for “Rabbit”…

3) Quick Hit DVD Reviews: Agent 5150 has actually been able to catch a few flicks recently in between lawn mowing marathons and mass resume mailings. Let’s get up to speed, shall we?

“Push” is fun junk food for the brain, a decent ‘X-Men’ rip-off that’s actually just as good as the summer blockbuster “Wolverine”…2 ½ Eddies.

“Gran Torino” closes the book on Clint Eastwood’s ‘Dirty Harry’ persona like “Pale Rider” did for ‘The Man With No Name’. Yes, I know in both cases the main characters are technically different from the classic personalities they represent, but the similarities are just too striking to ignore. That being said, “Gran Torino” feels a bit manipulative on an emotional level, and Eastwood explores themes he’s already covered over and over and over again…3 Eddies.

“Killshot” stars Mickey Rourke and Diane Lane in an Elmore Leonard adaptation that surprisingly only saw a limited U.S. theatrical release earlier this year despite Rourke’s presence hot on the heels of “The Wrestler”. Maybe that’s because the flick is average at best - not much charm or humor in this crime drama…2 Eddies.

“Yes Man” once again shows that Jim Carrey is slightly ahead of Adam Sandler in the battle to claim the title of ‘Hollywood’s King of the Moderately Amusing Movie’. Very similar in tone to “Liar Liar”, “Yes Man” is a tolerable comedy with just enough sweetness to make it digestible…2 ½ Eddies.

“Horsemen” is a straight-to-DVD thriller starring Dennis Quaid that doesn’t try very hard to hide the fact that it’s a mirror image of “Seven”. Still, “Horsemen” manages to weave its disturbing little spell fairly well - Quaid plays haggard and obsessive with a nice edge, and the overwrought ending doesn’t sink things completely…2 ½ Eddies.

Finally, “I Love You, Man” is an overrated buddy comedy about grown men trying to find buddies. Paul Rudd is a bit too nerdy here; also, a little less gay innuendo and a little more nastiness in the script could have made “I Love You, Man” much, much better…2 ½ Eddies.

That’s it for now, people…wake me up when September ends. Just kidding…I’ll be back atcha in a week or so. And please forgive me for the lame but appropriate use of your song title, Green Day…

Now That I’ve Finally Seen “Slumdog Millionaire”...

Agent 5150 has a fantastic daughter, a month away from being 8 years old. While I get to experience the priceless moments of watching my child grow up, I don’t get to see movies in the theater too often any more (those of you out there with kids can easily relate, right?)...

In the end, the tradeoff is a no-brainer, but it’s especially easy to swallow in this day and age of stupid screenplays, ridiculous popcorn prices, and obnoxious cell phone users. However, one of the minor drawbacks I deal with every year is the fact that I never get to see the five (soon to be ten) ‘Best Picture’ Academy Award nominees until they come out on DVD in the late spring or early summer after the Oscars have already been handed out. You can peruse my previous blog posts and see my recent reviews for “The Reader”, “Frost/Nixon”, and “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (I try my best to see all of the nominated flicks, but some just obviously aren’t my cup of tea & I won’t waste my time with them, integrity be damned…that’s why “Milk” isn’t included here). Since I finally chiseled some time out to see “Slumdog Millionaire” about a week ago, I feel as though I can FINALLY throw my two cents’ worth out there into the blogosphere with respect to the Academy’s 2008 selections...

First off, let’s look at “Slumdog Millionaire”...neither as great as critics would lead you to believe or as horrendous as its detractors would have you think, “Slumdog” is a typical Hollywood underdog romance, albeit set in India. We follow a street urchin named Jamal through all of his young life’s hardships as he plugs along on his quest to reunite with his one true love. There are laughs and tears, betrayals and tragic misunderstandings. Blah, blah, blah.

The conventional script doesn’t do the film any favors. The acting is adequate, but not great. Danny Boyle’s directing is subpar - a slo-mo, hyperkinetic, handheld camera mash-up. The terrible soundtrack grates on the nerves of anyone with decent musical taste. So why does Agent 5150 give “Slumdog Millionaire” a respectable rating of 2 ½ Eddies?

Quite simply, the one factor that makes “Slumdog” Oscar-worthy is the framing device used as both the film’s climax and a clever tool for disclosing the events of Jamal’s life. Jamal (at this point, played by Dev Patel) is on India’s version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” and as the nefarious host pushes him through question after question, the answers unfold as flashbacks to the formative moments of the ragamuffin’s early years. Brilliant stuff...almost makes up for the mediocrity that permeates the rest of the movie.

So, in retrospect, how does Agent 5150 look back at 2008’s Oscar choices for ‘Best Picture’? With grave disappointment. Of the four nominated films that I saw, none were true classics. “Slumdog Millionaire” & “Benjamin Button” were mildly ambitious but flawed. “The Reader” and “Frost/Nixon” were humdrum projects that pandered to typical Academy tastes (biographies, historical dramas, Holocaust tales). The impending expansion of the ‘Best Picture’ field from five to ten is a dark cloud of embarrassment hanging on the horizon for the Academy...if you can’t find five good flicks to nominate in any given year, how are you going to come up with ten?!?!

“Knowing” When A Movie Stinks...

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit too harsh on Nicolas Cage’s latest hit with that title, but “Knowing” is a flawed, schizophrenic flick that teases us with phenomenal special effects & freaky ‘end of days’ logic but ultimately fails due to a pathetic sideshow featuring cheesy otherworldly forces...

“Knowing” is essentially a misguided cross between “The DaVinci Code” and “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”. Cage stars as an MIT professor who comes across a 50-year-old list of numbers in a time capsule. Since he’s obviously a super-smart dude, he cracks the numeric puzzle in an alcohol-induced haze & realizes he’s stumbled upon a detailed prophecy for the end of the world (and a few other catastrophes that will occur in the meantime). Of course, in the grand tradition of disaster flicks, nobody believes him, so he’s stuck trying to figure out a way to save the world all by himself...

Director Alex Proyas does a superb job visually with the catastrophes wedged into the screenplay - I’m not sure but my mouth may have actually been hanging open in awe at his two showcase scenes of destruction. However, the last twenty minutes are a supreme letdown, a copout that should embarrass the screenwriters totally & completely. No spoilers here, but suffice it to say that “Knowing” has one of the dumbest endings ever in the history of major motion pictures. If omnipotent celestial beings judged us on the climax of this flick, we’d be doomed...

In summation, “Knowing” could have been a creepy jaunt in the tradition of M. Night Shyamalan’s first few flicks; instead, we get yet another example of Hollywood’s insistence on shying away from intelligent scripts in favor of the easy out...a weak 2 ½ Eddies for “Knowing”...

The Knack – Most Underrated Band of All Time???

I happened to stumble across a couple of ‘instant watch’ gems on Netflix a few nights ago – a 2004 documentary feature and a (debatably) live 2001 concert video, both featuring The Knack. After inundating myself for two and a half hours with the music and myth of Doug Fieger & company, I remembered how much I loved their songs and how utterly abused they were in their heyday back in the late 70s & early 80s...

Everyone has a band or two, or a singer, who they consider their ‘secret’...not necessarily an obscure act, but a performer or group who hang around on the fringes of success, never quite becoming blockbuster icons. For Agent 5150, those acts include Living Colour (look beyond “Cult of Personality”, my friends), Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers, Zebra, and The Rainmakers. However, the one ‘guilty pleasure’ group whose half-dozen studio CDs I always seem to turn to escape the same old, same old (yes, I admit it...there’s only so much “Panama” I can take!!!) are The Knack...

Laugh if you will, Frickers (and you know who you are), but the fact is The Knack were much, much more than a Beatles knock-off. “Get The Knack”, their mega-selling debut, may be one of the best albums of the rock era…period. From beginning to end, one infectious song after the next, the disc gets in your head and never leaves. Sure, “My Sharona” may be widely acknowledged as one of the greatest songs of all time by fans and haters alike, but little known gems like “Siamese Twins (The Monkey And Me)”, “Frustrated”, “Your Number Or Your Name”, and “(She’s So) Selfish” are far better than most of the ‘hits’ on your iPod today. Even the follow-ups that ultimately doomed the band in its first go-round, “...but the little girls understand” and “Round Trip”, are solid. When The Knack launched a comeback with three more albums (“Serious Fun”, “Zoom”, “Normal As The Next Guy”) from 1991 to 2001, the public was indifferent (with the exception of the minor hit “Rocket O’Love”) but the music was still excellent...

Hard to believe, but time has been harder on the band than the critics were. Original drummer Bruce Gary died in 2006, and singer & primary songwriter Doug Fieger has been battling cancer for years. The most important thing is Doug’s health, but I have to admit that it saddens me that we’ll probably never hear from The Knack again beyond the occasional nostalgia gig. With that in mind, let’s cherish the music they gave us, pompous critics be damned. Go ahead, crank up “My Sharona” but don’t forget to groove on “That’s What The Little Girls Do”, “The Hard Way”, “Africa”, “Lil’ Cals Big Mistake”, “Won’t Let Go/Aces & Eights”, and “Pop Is Dead” as well...

It’s never too late to “Get The Knack”, kids!!!

With 10 ‘Best Picture’ Slots Now Available, Why Not “Fanboys”???

Okay, okay…I acknowledge that I’m REALLY stretching common sense to its limits with my latest blog entry’s title. However, what better way to expose the flaws in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences’ recent decision to expand the ‘Best Picture’ field for the Academy Awards from five films to ten by comparing a prestigious nominated film from last year with a lowbrow comedy that bombed at the box office earlier this year? Are ya feelin’ me?

Yes, Agent 5150 saw two movies this past week - “The Reader” and “Fanboys”. And I will tell you right up front that I give both movies 2 ½ Eddies. My point…if a somber drama that the Weinsteins pushed into the last Oscar race is on a par quality-wise with a flick about goofy “Star Wars” fans (ironically, also distributed by the Weinsteins), what foolish decisions await us early next year when the Academy’s best goes ‘Top Ten’?

On to the reviews, hmmm? “The Reader” starts off on an extremely creepy note – Kate Winslet seduces a fifteen-year-old boy. Winslet has always been considered brave by Hollywood for her willingness to appear naked on screen, but the context here turns her nudity into something distasteful. Once the disturbing premise plays out, the movie settles into a low-key, somewhat effective legal thriller-lite with some unrequited love thrown in for good measure. Worth watching once? Sure. One of the five best films of 2008? Not hardly.

As for “Fanboys”, I find it mindboggling that a movie with this many comedy stars fell flat on its face. Jay Baruchel, Dan Fogler, and Kristen Bell on a road trip to sneak an advance peek at “Episode One”? Seth Rogen playing three different roles? Cameos up the ying-yang? Less than $1 million at the box office?!?!

I have no idea what happened behind the scenes to botch the release of “Fanboys”, but the movie itself is a fairly amusing lark with some classic lines that deserved a better fate. In fact, let’s rectify the situation and start the campaign for “Fanboys” for Best Picture immediately! After all, if early returns point to J.J. Abrams’ “Star Trek” getting an Oscar nod, what better smackdown could we hope for at the Academy Awards than the Trekkers/Trekkies calling Han Solo a bitch on the red carpet at the Kodak Theatre?!?!

The Greatest (Fictional) American Hero

Agent 5150 has always had an obsession with heroes. Maybe it’s because my moral code hasn’t always been as perfect as I would have liked it to be. Maybe it’s because I too often look at the negative in life yet always hope for the best with the start of every new day. Maybe it’s because I haven’t helped everybody I could, every possible time I could. Maybe it’s because to settle for being the flawed human being I am seems somehow disingenuous...

Anyway, enough psychobabble. I got to thinking about what would constitute my idea of a perfect hero (we’ll stick with fictional characters for this debate; real-life heroes are too few & far between, and too precious to even consider debasing with this silly exercise). If I look back through all the movies, novels, and television shows I’ve digested over my many years, which qualities from which characters would I combine to create Agent 5150’s ultimate heroic icon? Let’s take a look at the top ten (in no particular order), shall we?

1) The laconic cool of Clint Eastwood’s ‘Man with No Name’ and ‘Dirty Harry’. Never a doubt. No distractions. Never needs anyone...ever. No friends, no women, nobody. The ultimate representation of independence. How can you go wrong when you have that much faith in yourself?

2) The world-weary optimism of Dave Robicheaux. Battled the bottle and the dark underbelly of New Orleans but still believes in love and friendship. Enough said.

3) The self-assured fragility of Sonny Crockett. Confident enough to seduce any woman, but sensitive enough to bow out of the picture if he feels his baggage is too great a burden for her to handle.

4) The ability to change exhibited by Jimmy McNulty (we'll pretend Season Five never happened). From boozer to family man in roughly one season of “The Wire”, he experienced the hypothetical ‘moment of clarity’ that all men deep down inside hope to face at some point in their lives.

5) The strength to stay the course at all costs shown by Patrick Kenzie (especially in “Gone Baby Gone”). Kenzie gave up the love of his life because he couldn’t reconcile one crucial moral decision with her. Would you take that kind of an emotional hit to stick to your guns?

6) The capacity to help people even when every fiber of your being screams against it for fear of being hurt as shown by Lew Fonesca. His wife was killed by a drunk driver. Fonesca actually took the drunk driver in over the span of a few books until they reached a level of forgiveness that worked well for both of them. Would you be strong enough to do that?

7) The analytical focus of Alex Delaware (and Nero Wolfe, as well). All business, all the time. Well, maybe a little nookie and fine cuisine thrown in for good measure...

8) The perfect balance of smart-ass and dead-serious problem solver, as demonstrated by Elvis Cole. Cole hasn’t exactly matured or evolved over the years…life has just had its way with him. He’s a little more bitter than he was when we first met him, but he can still sling a wicked sarcastic barb when needed...

9) The Hemingway-esque view of life demonstrated by Travis McGee. Beds a ton of women, always waxes philosophical about evil and love and man’s inhumanity to man. Kicks ass, beds more women. He gets it.

10) The clear chivalric code of Spenser. Will kill when needed, will make a deal with the devil if it leads to a net positive in the end...

If some of these names aren’t familiar to you, Google ‘em. Or better yet, go to Amazon.com or Best Buy (or your local library, if you’re pinching pennies like most of us) and get a copy of the book or DVD. Feel free to send me your suggestions, ideas, or arguments for or against any of my picks...

After all, our heroes are as unique as we are, right?

Mini-Minds: The Battle Between Megan Fox & Michael Bay

Megan Fox is hot. Michael Bay makes movies that bring in the GNP of a robust third-world country virtually every time out. However, both (especially Bay) need to come to grips with their respective places in the Hollywood food chain…

As an example, let’s look at their recent war of words after the release of their mega-hit “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (swiftly becoming one of the worst-reviewed movies of all time, by the way). To quickly paraphrase both parties, Fox pointed out this past week that the Transformers movies are more about FX and robots than acting; Bay then became indignant, played the ‘immature’ card on Megan, and rattled off a list of actors he’s helped ‘launch’…

I’d stake my collection of Van Halen CDs that Megan Fox is not a member of Mensa. That being said, I’ve got to side with the tattooed hottie in this verbal skirmish…and not just because she’s a tattooed hottie. Michael Bay is a hack. Always has been, always will be. I have to believe that Megan Fox knows deep down inside that she has her face & body to thank for her career accomplishments thus far. On the other hand, Bay wants us to believe he’s the second coming of Martin Scorsese. Why? Because he’s essentially claiming to be responsible for the big-screen successes of performers such as Nicolas Cage, Shia LaBeouf, Ben Affleck, Will Smith, and Martin Lawrence…

WHAT?!?! Note to Mr. Bay: Just because you pay an actor a crapload of money to be in your movie doesn’t mean you become his muse, his mentor, and his agent all wrapped together into one convenient pompous package. Let’s look at your ouvre as a director, shall we? (For the sake of sparing you even more embarrassment, we’ll skip your producer credits…remakes of “Friday The 13th”, “A Nightmare On Elm Street”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “The Hitcher”, and “The Amityville Horror”…since to name those wondrous projects would taint the jury in Megan’s favor much, much too quickly!)

You, Mr. Bay, have been at the helm of such modern-day ‘classics’ as “Bad Boys” (NOT the great Sean Penn film), “Bad Boys II”, “Armageddon”, “Pearl Harbor”, “The Rock”, and “The Island”…ugh. I’ll admit to enjoying “The Rock” but not much else in your repertoire, Mikey. And I think Nic Cage & Ben Affleck would have been okay without your influence on their careers…you see, both have Oscars from movies you had nothing to do with!!! And I have a feeling your ‘lifetime achievement’ award from the Academy is still in the early, early planning stages. Special effects & mindless action guru – yes. Master storyteller – hell no.

So, Megan wins. Nothing wrong with that. Heck, it gives Agent 5150 a chance to post a smokin’ picture of her for you to enjoy, faithful reader.

Transform that, Mr. Bay…

(For the full scoop, check out http://www.usmagazine.com/news/director-megan-fox-says-some-very-ridiculous-things-200927)

Hit the Rewind ‘Button’: Agent 5150’s Take on ‘Benjamin’...

As my esteemed colleague Ice Cream Man pointed out in his initial “FV” posting, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” is an overlong romance involving a man who is born old and ages in reverse. ICM was also correct in his observation that a decent chunk of this film could have been cut without hurting the narrative flow in the least. However, I will be more kind in my assessment of “Benjamin Button” – its heart is in the right place, and David Fincher still has the magic touch in crafting a visually stunning movie...

(Note: We here at “FV” normally dispense with the usual flick review tricks – if we tell you too much of the plot, we feel that we’re spoiling the experience for you, so we won’t. We’re more concerned with the details...why we liked it or why we didn’t. We’re not ‘Cliffs Notes for Movies’...if you can’t dig that, go check out “Entertainment Weekly” and their myriad ‘Spoiler Alerts’ instead!)

As a few other critics have pointed out, “Benjamin Button” is strikingly similar to “Forrest Gump”. Both films are primarily set around New Orleans and the Deep South. Both films observe American and international history as part of the storyline. Both deal with romances destined to end badly. However, the differences between the two are the differences between an Oscar-winning classic (“Gump”) and an Oscar-nominated near-miss (“BB”). Forrest Gump ducked in and out of historical events as his charmed life unfolded...he WAS history, albeit in the background. Benjamin Button is merely a passive observer. Forrest was a simpleton with good luck. Benjamin is thoughtful and introspective…a genial soul. The lovers in “Gump” are constantly being pulled apart. In “Button”, Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are always brought back together by some karmic force. Gump was interesting. Button really isn’t. On the plus side, “Benjamin Button” comes off as more human than “Gump”...emotions and lessons about life are deeper in a film where the primary character seems like he could be a real person (the whole ‘aging backwards’ trick notwithstanding) as opposed to a mythical creature of sorts.

Again, I’ll give “Benjamin Button” a bit more credit than ICM…I’ll go with 3 Eddies. Yes, the whole Tilda Swinton subplot is unnecessary, and using Hurricane Katrina as a narrative tentpole seems a bit callous. However, in this age of creative bankruptcy in Hollywood, a solid rip-off of “Forrest Gump” may actually be worthy of Academy Award consideration...

How tragic is that?

Working on a Scheme?

So Bruce Springsteen thinks Ticketmaster & Live Nation are engaging in questionable business practices. Nothing to argue with there...they are. In my humble opinion, so are brokers like StubHub who buy up the best tickets for concerts & sporting events and then immediately try to resell them at three or four times their face value...

However, as a recent article in Billboard Magazine points out, there may be some indirect hypocrisy being put forth by Springsteen and his reps. In the piece written by Ray Waddell & quoting sources in The Newark Star Ledger, Bruce’s uber-controlling manager Jon Landau claims that there’s nothing wrong with holding 90% (yes, 90%) of the best seats at a Springsteen concert for friends & industry pimps. In the same breath, he then has the audacity to rail against Ticketmaster for “bait-and-switch” maneuvers. Both parties are deeply at fault here, but Ticketmaster has never claimed to be anything other than a business purely concerned with maxing out profit. On the other hand, Springsteen has always claimed to be our rock & roll savior, a New Jersey siren who will help lead us to the promised land...

What does it all boil down to? Ticketmaster is the devil we know. Bruce Springsteen is the dusty devil we don’t, the wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be ‘one of us’ but is so far removed from the dealings of everyday life that he has become, like Bono & Eddie Vedder, a talented musician who purports to be a commoner but is actually a pampered prince. Ironically, The Boss’ moral decline can be traced directly back to the mammoth success of his “working man” megahit, “Born in the U.S.A.”; after selling tens of millions of records while singing about the loss of the American Dream, Springsteen became that which he (supposedly) abhorred…a narrow-minded, money-grubbing charlatan who talks out of both sides of his soul-patch-adorned mouth...

(And don’t even get me started on that piece of crap Bruce put out earlier this year, his love letter to Barack Obama called “Working on a Dream”. If you plunked down $10 for a copy, then surprise, surprise…you just flushed your money down the toilet for an album that is embarrassing and insultingly sophomoric both musically and lyrically)

Meet the new Boss. Much, much worse than the old Boss.

(For the full picture concerning the Springsteen camp’s battle with Ticketmaster, check out Ray Waddell’s article at http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/news/springsteen-ticketmaster-war-escalates-1003986457.story#)

“International” Man of Mystery?

I will wholeheartedly admit that Daniel Craig rocks as James Bond. However, there’s a part of me that will always wonder what Clive Owen would have been like as 007. When the job opened up after Pierce Brosnan bowed out, Owen’s name immediately popped up as the logical replacement. Like Craig, Owen would have brought gravitas to the role while still being able to handle the action sequences like a pro...

For proof, check out “The International”, a 2009 box office dud that features Owen as an Interpol lackey obsessed with building a case against a corrupt bank, on DVD. The film itself is mediocre: there’s no clean resolution & most of the shadowy hijinks seem a bit over the top (SOMEBODY other than our hero would notice something was amiss with this many high profile people biting the big one). The two positives in “The International” (other than getting to stare at the lovely Naomi Watts once in a while) are Owen, who is always interesting even in clunkers like “Closer”, and a phenomenal shootout sequence at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City (outside of a war flick, I don’t recall ever watching a scene with THIS much fake ammo being burned up!)...

In the end, I’ll be more generous than I should be and give “The International” 2 Eddies out of a possible four. In a weak market (for movies, I mean), this thriller is a safe outlay of two hours of your life. Just don’t expect a spectacular return on investment...

The Horror, The Horror...

I was smart enough about six months ago to swear off any and all films either directly or indirectly linked to Asian horror movies. After subjecting myself to the idiocy of Americanized versions of “The Grudge”, “The Ring 2”, and “Dark Water” & suffering through “The Host”, I finally came to my senses - I’ll never get those countless hours I wasted back, but at least I won’t use up my precious PS2 Madden time on that Far East drivel anymore...

A small, temporary victory for my brain cells, it would seem. Now I have to convince myself to keep my distance from American remakes of American horror movies from the 70s and 80s. If I can find an ounce of will power to stay away from flicks featuring cursed summer camps and deformed psychopaths, maybe my frontal lobe will survive for a few more years...

You see, I just subjected myself to the ‘reboot’ of “Friday the 13th” on DVD last night. As you kids know (because I would never insult your intelligence like Hollywood does), this re-launch of the Jason Voorhees franchise comes after similar ‘re-imaginings’ of “Halloween”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “The Hills Have Eyes”, “The Last House on the Left”, “My Bloody Valentine”, “Prom Night”…did I leave any out? Probably, but that’s just Agent 5150 trying to keep your cerebral cortex from turning into a fried egg (“This is your brain”; “This is your brain on Ron Zombie”)...

I could turn this latest FV video review into yet another diatribe on how the suits in L.A. can’t come up with an original idea to save not only their own lives but those of their grandmammies and their interior decorators, but let’s focus instead on how hard it is to make a truly scary movie. Not only was it stupid to remake all of the aforementioned horror ‘classics’ from a creative standpoint, but the dimwit factor grows exponentially when you consider that the source material (for the most part) wasn’t all that great to begin with! Does anyone really think the first “Friday the 13th” was a good movie? Unfortunately, the only thing it did effectively back in 1980 was shine a dingy light into a dark corner of our collective psyche and expose the disturbing fact that we like to see stupid people get hacked and slashed to bits. In turn, this opened the door for the recent wave of disgusting ‘torture porn’ like “Hostel” & “Turistas” where any dense plotting or humor quotient is viciously squeezed out and left to flow away like blood seeping into a grungy floor drain...

So, now you ask: “What movies have scared the normally unflappable Agent 5150?” Ironically, the first two flicks that pop into my mind are a sequel (“Aliens”) and a remake (John Carpenter’s unbelievably tense version of “The Thing”). Beyond that, it takes some vigorous mental calisthenics to dig deep and maybe add in “Jaws”, the “Final Destination” flicks, and the ending of “The Blair Witch Project”. If you want a good mix of splatter and dark humor, I’d say “Re-Animator”, “An American Werewolf in London”, and “The Evil Dead 2”, but I wouldn’t really call them scary or edgy...

All that being said, the new “Friday the 13th” isn’t abysmal. It’s just sad. No depth is added to the Jason Voorhees character; in fact, he has now become indistinguishable from Leatherface (JV also now keeps mementos & trophies like bones, skulls, dolls, and dead camp counselors’ whistles). The shallow part of me would like to point out that there are some fine female...um...embellishments in the 2009 version of “13th”, but a few spectacular chests and a soundtrack that includes the Hives & Night Ranger won’t stop me from tossing this flick into Crystal Lake...1 ½ Eddies out of four.

Please, please keep me away from “H2” later this year...I swear I’ll polish your machete if you help a brother out!!!

Short Story to Movie Epic

Why do writers and directors feel compelled to turn a short story into an epic length film? That is the question I asked myself over and over again as I sat through the 2 hour and 45 minute marathon that is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. Based on a 56 page short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, this tale follows the life of a boy born old and grows younger. I found this premise intriguing so I gave it a shot on DVD. I’m glad I did not sit through it in the theater. It was slow from start to finish and the sound quality was low (I had to turn the TV up to hear it). Following Benjamin’s life was interesting, but too much “time” was wasted on some points in his life, especially when he begins life with his love interest, which you know is going to happen. This film easily could have been done in under 2 hours. Please stop trying to make the next “Gone With the Wind” which really was an epic novel. 2 Eddies out of 4.

Other lengthy notable movies based on short stories:
“Death of a Salesman” (2 hours)
based on Arthur Miller’s 72 page play of the same name.
“Shawshank Redemption” (2 hours 22 minutes)
based on Stephen King’s 102 page story “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption”

Short movies from short stories:
“Stand By Me” (1 hour 28 minutes)
based on Stephen King’s 153 page story “The Body”
“Apt Pupil” (1 hour 42 minutes)
based on Stephen King’s 195 page story of the same name.

Fiction Over Fact – Why Our Best Heroes & Villains Are Figments Of Our Imagination

Critics and movie snobs insist year after year, through glowing reviews and countless award nominations, that films based on true events or real-life characters are consistently better than those that emanate solely from a screenwriter’s mind or a novelist’s creative vision. Take a trip down to your local Blockbuster (or more likely the nearest Redbox machine or your Netflix queue) and spend 4 hours with “Frost/Nixon” and “Valkyrie”. I defy you to tell me that you came away from those historical dramas with any more of an emotional charge or understanding of humanity than if you had just sat through ninety minutes of the latest Jason Statham action fest. Consider it a challenge, homey.

Yes, this is essentially the first “Frankenstein Vice” DVD review posting, but I want to also speak to the fallacy that the heroes and villains of reality (or near-reality, as portrayed by Hollywood) are more deep & colorful than the John McClanes and Luke Skywalkers of the film world. For every moving & effective biopic like “Schindler’s List”, there seem to be fifteen that bore those of us without PhDs in Russian Literature to tears. First, let’s look at “Frost/Nixon”. What insight does the film offer us into the troubled mind of Richard Nixon that we desperately needed to know to make our oh-so-common lives better? That Tricky Dick was a jealous and bitter man? Wow. Didn’t see THAT coming. I am in no way trying to degrade the performances in “Frost/Nixon” (Michael Sheen & Frank Langella are fine as the titular adversaries) but the film itself, despite being helmed by Ron Howard, is two hours of television history that now feels curdled and insignificant...2 Eddies out of a possible four...

As opposed to the stage play atmosphere of “Frost/Nixon”, “Valkyrie” wants to be a rip-roaring real-life adventure based on a failed attempt to assassinate Adolph Hitler. Instead, we get what I like to call the “undercut climax”, a situation in a film where we already know part or all of the pending outcome. For example, we know the hero isn’t going to die despite the fact that he or she is on the verge of certain death. Much of the tension is drained away instantly because we already know what comes next. Historical epics and biographical films are almost always hamstrung by this “undercut climax” because the result is already recorded in history books. That being said, “Valkyrie” is a tad bit better than “Frost/Nixon” in that our sympathies resonate stronger for a group of men trying to stop arguably the cruelest dictator in history than for a talk show host trying to achieve greater heights of fame & fortune by eliciting a shallow confession from a disgraced U.S. President. Still, we know Hitler survived a while longer (sorry, no spoiler alert needed for something someone who made it past the seventh grade should already know), so “Valkyrie” is a fairly pointless exercise in moviemaking...2 Eddies...

In summary, give me fictional creations like Batman or Forrest Gump any day of the week over real-life protagonists such as Harvey Milk and Che Guevara. I get the feeling they’d be much more fun to hang out at a bar with...

The “Frankenstein Vice” Manifesto

Come on in and sit a spell, people. Don’t be shy. We won’t bite…most of the time. Welcome to “Frankenstein Vice”, a blog inspired by the magic that emanates from a great song, the buzz you feel walking out of the theater after a fantastic movie, and the righteous indignation that comes across you after your favorite television show ends or your duly elected official screws you over…

Everyone can stop by, peruse our content, and comment (intelligently, we hope) on our rants and diatribes. However, we hope you will first read through the following thirty “Frankenstein Vice” policy guidelines and either agree to disagree & move on to a subpar pop culture site like “Entertainment Weekly” or hang out, grab a cold one, and have a few laughs (and a serious conversation or two) with us…

1) We don’t pander to the cults of “Lost”, “Twilight”, or “American Idol”. We have lives…and better taste than you, obviously.
2) We’re not critics for “Rolling Stone”, so we can unequivocally state that Beck, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Eminem, and Bruce Springsteen’s “Working on a Dream” (song or album, take your pick) SUCK!!!
3) We have our fingers crossed that Barack Obama can turn the country around, but we also think that the talking heads in our left-leaning media have shoved the man down our throats to the point where we’re supposed to believe he can turn water into wine. Breaking news…he can’t!!!
4) NBC’s cancellation of “My Name is Earl” was an American tragedy; NBC’s renewal of “Chuck” based on a Subway promotion was an American farce.
5) Break away from the mainstream drivel of James Patterson and pick up a Chuck Palahniuk book NOW!!! Sometimes brilliant, sometimes stomach-turning, always interesting.
6) Snapple is not made from ‘the greatest stuff on Earth’…Van Halen, Collective Soul, Kevin Smith, and the “Die Hard” flicks are.
7) We love “Fringe” but hate it as a promo for “Star Trek”…
8) Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, and George Clooney are great actors. They just need to SHUT UP AND ACT!!!
9) Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen are great musicians. See #8 but replace ACT with SING!!! (We would include the Dixie Chicks but we don’t want to hear them sing, either).
10) If you don’t think the media has “Obama Fever”, then please explain to us how Michelle Obama was named to Maxim’s Hot 100! Anyone? Anyone?
11) Reality TV bites the big one. If you took away the first season of “The Osbournes”, there would be no reason for it to exist. None. Case closed.
12) “Schindler’s List”, “Crash”, and “Michael Clayton” are all superb films. However, Frankenstein Vice would rather be stuck on a desert island with “Caddyshack”, “Mission: Impossible”, and “Mallrats”…
13) Rush Limbaugh means well…we think.
14) Vampires haven’t been cool since Frank Langella. Get over it.
15) Underrated: “Psych”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Heaven’s Prisoners”, Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers. Overrated: “Shakespeare in Love”, “The Office”, The Hold Steady, The Beatles (sorry, Pat).
16) Hollywood is creatively bankrupt. Many pundits before FV have written about the slew of remakes, relaunches, and reboots in the works, but has anyone noticed the idiocy of using Who songs in trailers for “Land of the Lost” (“Won’t Get Fooled Again”) and “Year One” (“Magic Bus”)???
17) Maybe the American music scene could bounce back if the record labels worried more about promoting great songs, albums, & artists and worried less about the top three finalists every year on “American Idol”…
18) Speaking of music…rap, hip-hop, and country aren’t welcome here. Bon Jovi, Darius Rucker…we forgive you. Barely. Chris Cornell? Not a chance, dumbass.
19) Last word on music (we swear, maybe)…overhyped bands like Arcade Fire & the Ting Tings aren’t helping matters any.
20) Some FV math for you…Jay Leno + 5 nights a week in primetime = 0 laughs + television apocalypse.
21) Why does anyone care about Angelina Jolie? She scowls nonstop and has a saggy chest (see “Taking Lives” if you don’t believe us)…
22) “Entertainment Weekly” wants you to be gay. “Rolling Stone” wants you to be a liberal. Frankenstein Vice just wants you to be happy without forcing your viewpoints on everyone else.
23) Speaking of RS, there are 4,726 things wrong with the picture to the left. Can you find them all?
24) The Monkees and AC/DC get props ‘cause our kids like ‘em…
25) David Fincher could direct a commercial for laundry detergent and it would be cool.
26) If you combined Disturbed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Nine Inch Nails, and Linkin Park, you know what you would get? Crap.
27) Ticketmaster can’t be run by Satan because he’s too busy overseeing Live Nation.
28) “The Wire” was phenomenal, but “Miami Vice” was the best cop show ever…
29) “Seinfeld” was the best television show ever, but 1964 through 1979 was the true Golden Age of TV, people…
30) Finally, hair metal rules. If you don’t know how to spell Ratt, Def Leppard, and Enuff Z’nuff, go away.